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I've decided that I need to get on LJ more often. Writing has always been a bit therapeutic for me. I need to be writing and journaling more often than I have in the past couple months.
I've had mild depression for about seven years now. I've been pretty depressed this summer for a variety of reasons. Some are circumstantial, but a lot of it is just a matter of me being to hard on myself, I have a bad habit of that.
I have finally learned to grieve for family members who have passed away. My cousin Shawn died in Iraq just over a year ago, and I cried hours every day for him a couple weeks ago. My great grandfather who I was named after died when I was only two years old. Somehow I still have a vague memory of him. 26 years later, I am just now grieving over him. It has been great finally crying, a real relief to be honest.
Throughout my marriage I was isolated from my friends. Living in Bellingham, I have fallen into that same feeling of isolation. I haven't met any people in this area, so the most social activity I get is going to the bar once in a while. I've made my best attempt at spending time in my hometown on weekends, but with my children coming home next Wednesday for the school year, I won't have that opportunity very often anymore.
I met a woman named Halee a few weeks ago at my favorite dance club, Element. She approached me and we immediately clicked. She wanted to go to an afterparty, so I made a couple of phone calls and had a small party set up for me. ** Thanks Rey! ** Her friend Monique was along as well and I also had my good friend Brandon with me. We returned to Rey's and were up all night in the hot tub and by the bonfire. Halee and I went for a walk and had some great conversation.
We went to a punk concert the next night, very good concert. But I was more focused on Halee. We had shared a bed at Rey's the night before and did again this night. Rey had forgotten to leave the lower building unlocked... (he was caretaking at a property with two buildings on a lakefront property,) so I climbed in a window and went through to unlock the door and let us in. When we woke up in the morning, the property owner happened to be there and was not happy that a stranger was in her building. I was good enough to Rey not to rat him out and apologized to her saying I knew Rey and thought he wouldn't mind me staying at his place.
Halee doesn't have any family, her father died when she was two and her mother died when she was sixteen... so her friends are her family. Her close friend Sharon, who we call Mom, invited us to dinner on our third consecutive night out. Dinner was wonderful and Sharon as well as Mo and her family were all very hospitable and welcomed me into their families. Mo invited me to spend the night and I called in a vacation day to spend the next day with Halee again. We ended up just talking all day and having a good time, but we got rear-ended by a young driver who wasn't paying attention. No damage to the car and I was only a bit sore for a couple of days, but Halee hurt her back. Diagnosis - back sprain, lasting up to three months.
After spending so much time together over one weekend, we became very close very quickly. Due to circumstances, Halee needed a place to stay and I have invited her into my home. Three weeks into our relationship, she has been living with me for about ten days now. It has been wonderful. Halee has become my best friend. I can talk to her about anything, much more than I have been able to talk to other people about, and she feels the same way towards me. Considering my last few relationships, and her having had a string of rough relationships as well, we have been doing our best to take things slow and this has allowed us to become great friends first before lovers. I know this is the smartest thing I've done relationship wise in a long while, and although I did have her move in with me, it is a no strings attached deal as a friendship, not as lovers.
So how does Halee tie in with my depression??? I've been able to talk about my feelings and events in my life for the first time that I have kept repressed for years. Its been a great help. She has a couple of anxiety disorders, and through talking to her, I have discovered that I very well may have some as well. I have always known that I have social anxiety and co-dependency issues. Through hard work I have *mostly* overcome my social anxiety, and I am aware of the problems co-dependency creates, but have been satisfied with that issue despite. The disorder I'm afraid to admit I likely have is Borderline Personality Disorder. I have every one of the symptoms listed in a book I'm reading about it, and I have decided I need to go to a psychologist and be examined. Its a scary thought that I may have BPD, but if I do have it and get diagnosed, at least I will be able to treat it and get back to leading a more normal life. I have always had a feeling that things in my head just weren't quite right, but any time I mentioned it to my family, they blew it off and said I was fine. I'm not the average guy, and do a lot of things most guys don't do, so this would explain it well. If I do have BPD, I will be relieved to know it. It will justify why I am the way I am, and that will ease the pressures I place on myself.
I've had mild depression for about seven years now. I've been pretty depressed this summer for a variety of reasons. Some are circumstantial, but a lot of it is just a matter of me being to hard on myself, I have a bad habit of that.
I have finally learned to grieve for family members who have passed away. My cousin Shawn died in Iraq just over a year ago, and I cried hours every day for him a couple weeks ago. My great grandfather who I was named after died when I was only two years old. Somehow I still have a vague memory of him. 26 years later, I am just now grieving over him. It has been great finally crying, a real relief to be honest.
Throughout my marriage I was isolated from my friends. Living in Bellingham, I have fallen into that same feeling of isolation. I haven't met any people in this area, so the most social activity I get is going to the bar once in a while. I've made my best attempt at spending time in my hometown on weekends, but with my children coming home next Wednesday for the school year, I won't have that opportunity very often anymore.
I met a woman named Halee a few weeks ago at my favorite dance club, Element. She approached me and we immediately clicked. She wanted to go to an afterparty, so I made a couple of phone calls and had a small party set up for me. ** Thanks Rey! ** Her friend Monique was along as well and I also had my good friend Brandon with me. We returned to Rey's and were up all night in the hot tub and by the bonfire. Halee and I went for a walk and had some great conversation.
We went to a punk concert the next night, very good concert. But I was more focused on Halee. We had shared a bed at Rey's the night before and did again this night. Rey had forgotten to leave the lower building unlocked... (he was caretaking at a property with two buildings on a lakefront property,) so I climbed in a window and went through to unlock the door and let us in. When we woke up in the morning, the property owner happened to be there and was not happy that a stranger was in her building. I was good enough to Rey not to rat him out and apologized to her saying I knew Rey and thought he wouldn't mind me staying at his place.
Halee doesn't have any family, her father died when she was two and her mother died when she was sixteen... so her friends are her family. Her close friend Sharon, who we call Mom, invited us to dinner on our third consecutive night out. Dinner was wonderful and Sharon as well as Mo and her family were all very hospitable and welcomed me into their families. Mo invited me to spend the night and I called in a vacation day to spend the next day with Halee again. We ended up just talking all day and having a good time, but we got rear-ended by a young driver who wasn't paying attention. No damage to the car and I was only a bit sore for a couple of days, but Halee hurt her back. Diagnosis - back sprain, lasting up to three months.
After spending so much time together over one weekend, we became very close very quickly. Due to circumstances, Halee needed a place to stay and I have invited her into my home. Three weeks into our relationship, she has been living with me for about ten days now. It has been wonderful. Halee has become my best friend. I can talk to her about anything, much more than I have been able to talk to other people about, and she feels the same way towards me. Considering my last few relationships, and her having had a string of rough relationships as well, we have been doing our best to take things slow and this has allowed us to become great friends first before lovers. I know this is the smartest thing I've done relationship wise in a long while, and although I did have her move in with me, it is a no strings attached deal as a friendship, not as lovers.
So how does Halee tie in with my depression??? I've been able to talk about my feelings and events in my life for the first time that I have kept repressed for years. Its been a great help. She has a couple of anxiety disorders, and through talking to her, I have discovered that I very well may have some as well. I have always known that I have social anxiety and co-dependency issues. Through hard work I have *mostly* overcome my social anxiety, and I am aware of the problems co-dependency creates, but have been satisfied with that issue despite. The disorder I'm afraid to admit I likely have is Borderline Personality Disorder. I have every one of the symptoms listed in a book I'm reading about it, and I have decided I need to go to a psychologist and be examined. Its a scary thought that I may have BPD, but if I do have it and get diagnosed, at least I will be able to treat it and get back to leading a more normal life. I have always had a feeling that things in my head just weren't quite right, but any time I mentioned it to my family, they blew it off and said I was fine. I'm not the average guy, and do a lot of things most guys don't do, so this would explain it well. If I do have BPD, I will be relieved to know it. It will justify why I am the way I am, and that will ease the pressures I place on myself.
chipper
moody
drained
